It’s been 365 days of sunrises and sunsets in Washington. A year, a long, crazy year of insane change, growth, lessons, and opportunities, a year I am so incredibly thankful for, but also extremely glad to have behind me. It was a long year filled with obstacles, lessons, and change, an extremely necessary year at that. Last year when I left home I wasn’t sure what to expect, I knew I would be working with weed, and stoners. I knew I wanted to work on my self and my cannabis education website. I knew I wanted to nourish my relationship and my fur babies and make them as happy as possible. I didn’t anticipate how hard it all would be at times…
Somewhere in there I lost myself, I don’t know if it was the endlessly dark winter that I was unprepared for or the lack of purpose I felt in a lot of aspects of my life. But I got myself stuck in a deep hole, I hate to call it depression because I know people who have had a much harder time than me, people I have lost because they thought there was no other way. I have even had it worse than this, being sick at such a young age gave me a sort of stupid confidence, if I got through that…I can get through anything, even my own shitty mental state.
But this time I got extremely stuck, I was always exhausted and crying, I put my boyfriend and myself through hell too many times to count. I could have anticipated a bit of emotion and difficulty adjusting…I thought I was prepared to figure it out, and I thought I was going to share it with you all. I anticipated it being ugly, weird, and uncomfortable. I knew it was going to be different and maybe a little too raw. I thought I was going to be ok with all of this, just like it had always been ok before…I didn’t anticipate my sudden aversion to the camera though. I was not expecting that, for almost 3 years I had been posting on instagram and snapchat, pictures and videos of me ripping bongs, taking dabs, and posing with fat top colas. All the while dealing with everything life threw at me; school, work, stress, pain, insomnia, my cannabis use and productive lifestyle. Suddenly I hated every single picture, every single video. Nothing looked right, I hated my face or the way my hair looked in the middle of a video, the silliest things. Especially since self love and appreciation for the vessel I was given are some of my biggest priorities. But I didn’t like the way I looked, I still don’t a lot of the time, but I’m trying to push past it and get back to my usual self.
My social media content, didn’t suffer from this change necessarily, it just changed, and with that change I feel like I lost touch with a lot of people I had made a connection with and people visiting my page have definitely gotten less of a “full frontal and real” version of me than people who have followed me for years.
My followers know my thoughts and feelings-I’ve taken to posting prose, or passages about life/the day/challenges/strengths-as they come to me. But they don’t know ME, not the way they should. I am determined to fix this. Besides I have tons of followers that support me more than people I know in real life, people I have known my whole life, people I see and talk to daily. So THANK YOU for your support, and I’m sorry you haven’t been getting the fullest version of me. I am remedying that, and hopefully sharing everything I’ve learned along the way.
There are tons of things I’ve learned and done in the last year that I wouldn’t change for the world. I have gotten to explore one of the most naturally beautiful places and create memories I had only dreamed of. I have had some of the most amazing experiences and met some of the most amazing people while living up here in Washington and I determined to explore and create even more. I couldn’t be more grateful for all the opportunities I have been presented with so far.
I am also so incredibly grateful for the reminder that no matter where I am, who I am surrounded by, I am worth every bit of energy I put into myself. My relationship with myself and the love my life, my family, is worth every single second. Without my man and my relationship, his support, and love, I would not be the woman I am. I would not feel strong, or proud. I would only be able to see myself as weak. He shows me the light in the dark, the good in me when I can’t seem to see it in myself. He pushes me to be better, and do better everyday.
I am proud to say I am getting back into a routine of taking care of myself and making my goals a priority again. I am extremely grateful for this year of growth and learning. But I am even more excited for the coming year and all the adventures ahead!
Thank you so much for going on this incredibly crazy journey with me, I appreciate everyone single one of you more than you know!
(I hope you guys are OK with seeing more of my face!)
Stay Stoked, Stay Stoned